Inappropriate Feelings
by Ferowyn
Summary: Hobbit Kink Meme Prompt: Kili loves Fili, and he's done so for years, but he always makes sure Fili doesn't know. But during the Hobbit he finds out WARNING: Incest


Kili loves Fili, and he's done so for years, but he always makes sure Fili doesn't know. But during the Hobbit he finds out and well... I want Kili to suffer, a very fluffy scene when they admit their feelings and would prefer it if they would NOT mount each other at the very first chance... maybe only at the second? ;)  
Multiple fills would be great!

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**Inappropriate Feelings**

Kili sighs. He is doing it again – the staring and blushing and not being able to look his brother in the eye thing. His _brother_! He raises his hand and beats the wall, an ugly crunching sound filling the room when stone and bones collide. He hisses and instinctively presses the hurting hand against his chest, which increases the pain rather than soothing it. He is so unbelievably angry. Usually Kili's self-control is truly admirable, but not when it comes to Fili. He is not angry at his brother, though, he is angry at himself. How can anybody be so incredibly stupid?

Cursing under his breath the young dwarf rummages through the chests, cupboards and drawers, looking for something he can use to bandage his hand. The contact with the rough stone wall has not only cracked his bones (nothing is broken, he can still move his fingers, but according to the sound and the pain he is not going to get away with a bruise) but also scratched his skin. He finally finds a piece of cloth and applies a support bandage that will also stop the minor bleeding.

He crunches his teeth and starts to get dressed, swearing. Hitting walls is an incredibly stupid thing to do. Especially using all your strength, even more so when you are an archer.

Kili puts on his boots, grabs his bow and arrow and leaves the room, trying to prepare himself for the disapproving expression on Fili's handsome face. It happens all the time. Whenever he finds himself drowning in his feelings for Fili he hits or kicks something hard and heavy and ends up with bruises and – quite frequently – one or another broken bone. Destroying something is the only thing he can do to be able to behave completely normally. He would prefer it if the things he kicks or hits were destroyed instead of his bones, but since he is a dwarf and living in a mountain the first available target usually is a solid stone wall.

He leaves the mountain and heads towards the woods, hurrying because he is late. As always.

Finally he reaches the clearing where his brother is waiting for him, obviously rather annoyed because of his delay. Kili looks at him with big, apologetic puppy eyes and Fili's features soften until he spots the bandage.

"What have you been doing?" he asks, his voice stern.

Kili smiles wryly. "It's nothing to worry about."

Immediately Fili frowns. "Have you been in a fight again?" And there it is, the disapproving look, and all Kili can do is not flinch like he has been hit, no matter how hard he has tried to be prepared for this. It happens every time. He cannot tell his brother the reason for his reoccurring injuries and Fili has started to believe he is picking fights with other young dwarfs regularly, because where else could he get those bruises from? It hurts Kili to know what his brother thinks of him, but it is better than the truth. So he just says nothing and tries to keep his expression blank, concentrating on not thinking about the way Fili's eyes sparkle when he is angry.

Fili shakes his head and sighs. "Come on, let's go. We have to catch something before the dark."

They are often sent out hunting, because Kili is one of the very few good archers among the dwarfs and Fili knows how to set traps.

Fili looks at the sky. "We don't have much time left. Let's lay out a bait and if we don't find any deer or rabbits soon we'll come back here."

Kili agrees with a nod and starts to search the ground for tracks while Fili puts a decoy into a complicated construction he has built a few weeks ago.

"I have found something" Kili announces and leaves, knowing his brother will follow him. He sneaks through the bushes, as quietly as possible, trying not to startle the herd of deer he has spotted not too far away. When he is close enough he nocks an arrow and aims, hissing lowly because of the pain in his hand. Then he lets go and the arrow hits one of the animals. It stumbles and falls while the others scatter.

Fili is already running towards the dying deer and kills it with his sword. He darts a glance at Kili's hand and lifts it, draping it around his broad shoulders. Kili clenches his teeth – the pain has increased a lot – and follows his brother home, his eyes fixed on the ground. He does not want to be caught staring at his brother from behind.

.oOo

Kili sighs. He leans his head against the cold stone wall and closes his eyes. It is too much. One of his hands is bandaged once more, proof that the situation has become unbearable for the young dwarf yet again. He cannot forget the disappointment in Fili's eyes when he saw it. Obviously his brother did not expect him to go and pick a fight in this situation. Well, he did not, as always, but what is he supposed to say?

A loud cough attack startles him. Fili, who apparently has woken up, looks utterly miserable.

Quickly Kili pours him a glass of water and helps his brother sit up, lean against the headboard. Adult dwarves only very rarely get ill, but if they do it lasts for at least a month and takes away all their strength. Kili knows, he should stay away as much as possible in order to avoid catching whatever disease it is that makes is strong brother so weak, but he cannot bring himself to leave the older one alone.

Fili looks at him blearily and takes only a few sips when Kili holds the glass against his chapped lips. The black-haired dwarf sighs and puts the glass away, instead picking up a bottle with medicine that – he knows – tastes awful. He pours a spoonful and forges a smile. "It's just one spoonful", he tries to coax. "It will make you feel better." It will not – at least not within the next twenty-four hours. "Please. It's not much. See? Please. Do it for me." Fili cuts him a look but opens his mouth nonetheless, looking even more miserable than before. Reluctantly he swallows the thick syrup and immediately chokes.

Kili throws the spoon away – he can clean it up later – and uses both of his hands to support his brothers trembling body.

"C-c-cold"

Fili is shaking violently now, his temperature rising instantly. One of the many nice side-effects of the medicine. It does not even need to get into his blood to cause a fever. Demonic elvish brew.

Kili helps him lie back down and tucks him in, adding an extra blanket. He knows in a few hours his brother will be sweating instead of freezing and then he will have to change the sheets.

Strictly speaking his mother should be doing what he is, looking after Fili. When her older son fell ill she only stayed for a few hours, though, telling the younger one what to do. She knows about his feelings (he had tried to hide them, but in vain – mothers just know) and she knows that he will stay with his brother, no matter how much it hurts. At least Fili is lost so deeply on the delirium he does not notice Kili's struggle.

The dark-haired dwarf sits next to his brothers trembling figure until the older one falls asleep again, caught in feverish dreams, his head on Kili's thighs. Carefully Kili slips his fingers underneath the felted blond locks. He lifts Fili's head and maneuvers it onto a pillow before rising, clenching his fists. A few minutes later his uninjured hand strikes the wall.

.oOo

Kili sighs. He knows his brother does not want him to come with them. There is no doubt that Fili will follow their uncle in his mission to reclaim Erebor, after all he is his heir. But Kili? Thorin wants him to come, he IS a gifted archer and the king wishes to have his nephews close. Fili wants him to stay here, in the Blue Mountains, though. Kili is not sure whether his brother wants to protect him or prevent that he causes the company any trouble. Probably both.

The black-haired dwarf gulps. The two of them are a great team and they can always raise the spirits with their jokes, but everyone thinks of Fili as much more responsible if need be. It is Kili's own fault, after all he makes him – and everyone else – believe that he is getting into fights and trouble regularly. Nobody sees the burden Kili is carrying, the burden of loving his brother. Nobody sees all his sacrifices. Nobody sees how mature he really is.

The archer bites his bottom lip. He had always liked acting. Dwarfs have a very different attitude towards art than most other peoples of Middle-earth. They know how to forge or sculpture true masterpieces and they love music, but only very few of them enjoy dancing or theatre. Nonetheless travelling actors repeatedly try their luck with dwarfs. Usually they can only entertain dwarflings, for the adults show no interest in drama.

As a child Kili had admired those actors and although he did no longer enjoy the plays when he grew older he still liked the thought of putting on a costume and being somebody entirely different.

He clenches his fists, trying not to think about the fact that he has not been himself for a very long time. He has almost perfected his mask, trying everything in order to keep his true feelings a secret to the whole world, but especially to his brother. In no case he wants to ruin their brotherly relationship, because that would mean losing Fili and he cannot lose him.

A knock on the door stops his trains of thought. "Come in!"

His brother enters the room and, as always, Kili cannot move because of Fili's simple presence and the blond hair framing his face and the sparkling of his eyes and the tiny smile that appears on his lips whenever the older one sees his brother. "May I sit?"

Kili raises an eyebrow. "Of course", he answers, the mocking undercurrent unmistakable. It has not been long since the two have moved out of their shared room hand into separated chambers instead. Kili hates it and he hates the fact that Fili obviously feels so uncomfortable when he is here that he has to ask whether he can sit down even more. He would like to try and hit the wall once again, but that will have to wait until his brother has left. "What can I do for you?" he asks, excessively polite.

Fili sticks his tongue out. "I wanted to talk to you. Because of the mission."

And Kili sighs again. "You don't want me to come, I get that. But I won't let you run off into that adventure alone."

"It is hardly going to be easy."

He rolls his eyes. "I could have guessed that much, thanks."

Now it is Fili's turn to sigh. "We don't know what will await us. I don't want you to be hurt."

"Do you think I want you to be hurt? I am not as irresponsible as everybody assumes. I can look after myself, I can fight and you need my archery skills as much as every single person. We won't be enough anyways."

"I just… don't want you to take any risk. And you will."

"So will you."

Fili sighs again. "Please?"

"I'm not letting you go without me. Either we both go, or we both stay here. Besides – you won't have anyone to joke around with if I don't come with you."

The older dwarf looks at him, seriously, and finally nods. "Be careful."

"I will", Kili promises. But he knows he will risk anything in order to protect his brother.

.oOo

Kili sighs. It is dark and cold and he knows he will not be getting any sleep this night, for every time he closes his eyes Fili is torn away from him, no matter how hard he tries to grasp his hand. He remembers not caring about the danger he was in himself for a second, terrified by the thought of losing his brother. He remembers hearing his uncle scream Fili's name while he himself had been too shocked to yell, too shocked to move. He remembers the immense relief when he had seen his uninjured brother that had almost made him cry. And he remembers that moment, when Fili's eyes had sought him first of all like he himself had looked at nobody else but his brother, and the fact that he could not have cared less about the fact that all his emotions were clearly visibly on his face, raw and unrestrained. He also remembers the surprised look on Fili's face.

Kili turns and lies on his other side, his eyes once more caught by the soft features of his brother, who is lying next to him. This time his hidden glances do not go unnoticed, though, for suddenly he is looking into bright eyes staring at him.

Fili darts him a warning glance, indicates to stay quiet and rises, pulling his brother into a standing position as well. He looks around the cave, but everybody else is sleeping. Bofur is sitting in a spot where he cannot see them, facing the exit. Fili goes into the opposed direction, leading his brother, who is following him, a little deeper into the cave. Finally he stops and sits down on the cold stone floor, waiting for Kili to do the same.

Kili gulps heavily, does not dare to look at the older one. 'He knows' is all he can think and panic starts to set fire to his blood, making it rush through his veins. All he can hear is his own heartbeat, echoing loudly in his ears – and surly Fili must be hearing it, too? – until a calloused but soft finger lifts his chin.

"Kili", Fili murmurs "look at me"

It takes all his courage to do so, but when he does Fili's face is showing all those emotions he himself had forgotten to hide earlier.

Kili gasps for air, because in this moment, in this second before he starts to doubt, he can see a bright and happy future, with his brother at his side. But then the moment is gone and he looks at Fili, insecure and full of doubt, because he does not dare to believe he is not the only one having inappropriate feelings. It would hurt too much if he let himself hope and then would find out he had been wrong.

Fili watches the emotions flicker across Kili's face and he smiles fondly. "Don't be afraid", he whispers "trust me"

And Kili cannot help but start to hope now, because if there is one person in this world he trusts utterly and completely it is his brother.

"For how long?" Fili asks, his thumb caressing the younger one's cheek.

Kili's voice is coarse and hushed when he answers, drowning in his brother's eyes. "I realized it that day you let me win our fencing duel because I so desperately wanted to impress our uncle" he murmurs.

Fili blinks, surprise showing clearly in his features. "How could you keep it secret for such a long time?"

"How could you?"

"Training, and the fear you could figure it out", Fili replies. "Every time I thought there was no way I could stand this any longer I went for a workout. It definitely improved my fencing skills." He grins shyly. "So?"

Kili blushes. "I… uhm… hit walls?"

The blond dwarf takes a deep breath, understanding flashing in his eyes. "That explains the bruises." He gulps, guilt clearly visible on his face.

Kili raises his hand, cups his brother's cheek. "It was not your fault", he whispers. "Besides, you still owe me an answer: Since when?"

Fili smiles sheepishly. "Why do you think I let you win?"

Kili cannot help but smile, too, and they spend the next few minutes drowning in each other's eyes, until the younger one speaks up again. "What are we going to do?"

"We would have to keep it a secret", Fili mutters. "That is, if you want to be with me?" He suddenly looks terribly insecure.

"How could I not? Yes, we will have to be careful. Everyone else will think it is wrong." He remains still for a few moments. "Do you?"

"What?"

"Think it is wrong?"

"How can anything be wrong if it feels so utterly right?" Fili breathes and wraps his spare hand around Kili's waist, pulling him onto his lap. "How could this be wrong?" And with that he lets his lips brush against his brother's who is clinging to him like he might be drowning otherwise.

.oOo

"Fili?" Kili whispers when they are back in the main cave, trying to sleep once again, their lips still red and swollen.

"Yes?"

"Promise me something?"

"Anything"

"Don't leave me. Ever."

"Never", Fili promises and his fingers push a streak of hair out of Kili's face. "I'm right here and I don't intend going anywhere without you. Now sleep."


End file.
